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Jokes
A compilation by Jane Blake
  A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales re p. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



 
 


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


 


Few things you would love to say out loud at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.


  Quote:
SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.


A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

LEBANON SYSTEM:
You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by the
government.

EGYPT SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both vote for Mubarak.

DUBAI SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a " Cow City " or "Milk Village " for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to re -sell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract media attention.

SHARJAH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You sell them to an investor in Dubai. The cows get stuck in traffic between Sharjah to Dubai and die. You have zero cows now.

ABUDHABI SYSTEM:
You have two cows. So what? We have Oil.


  A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,
standing alone.

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most -- cars and men.

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "Bob Titsenbeer". :-D

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